Pumpkin Prize
By David Allen
I’m a bumpkin for pumpkins
pies, bread, and pudding,
and spice in my coffee
on cool Autumn morns.
As I drive around town
I see them on stoops,
stairs, and porches;
gutted and carved
in Halloween screams.
I wonder if any of the gourd artists
know the legend of Jack O’Lantern,
the Irish drunkard and fast-talking conman
who scammed Satan during a drinking game
into freeing him from Hades.
The centuries-old myth
claims Jack didn’t realize
the Pearly Gates were also
locked for him and, forlorn,
he begged Satan to take him back.
Satan refused.
But, admiring Jack’s evil,
presented him an ember
to place inside a hollowed-out pumpkin.
A pumpkin prize
to light Jack’s endless trek
through the netherworld.
Want to know what scares me? Running out of ink when inspiration strikes Blank paper Complaining to my wife when she’s off her meds Being stranded in a doctor’s examination room Buying gas on the weekend Forgetting birthdays Having a birthday Running out of crossword puzzles in the bathroom Running out of toilet paper Getting a phone call from my bank Getting late night phones call from my children Going with my wife to a church rummage sale Stepping on a scale Looking in a mirror first thing in the morning Looking at my hair after a nap Being late for anything Forgetting a word Forgetting someone’s name Balancing my checkbook Not having a deadline Shopping for groceries Winter Credit scores Visiting a trailer park during a tornado watch My wife asking me if new pants make her look fat Having to run away My cable TV bill My cell phone bill Finding hair on my brush Pizza from Pizza King Brussels sprouts Fruitcakes Cabbage A plain bagel Pea soup Vegetarians Highway rotaries Barber shops My wife’s silence when I create a pun My wife’s silence when I crack a joke My wife’s silence Silence from the voice in my head Silence Lawyers Doctors Politicians Preachers Armed Teabaggers Donald Trump’s hair Insurance salesmen Anderson, Indiana V-neck sweaters Swimming without a shirt Radical Muslims Radical Christians Radical Jews Radical Hindus Radical Atheists Running out of chocolate Empty bookcases My garage My wife’s shoe closet Riding in a car as a passenger Funeral parlors Walmart GPS voices Bagpipes Prescription drug commercials Emus Guam’s kamikaze crows Palm readers Psychics Fortune cookies Goodbyes
Type Dancing 